Some people say, when the body needs a break, it will take a break.
People say, every 7 years the body goes through a change, regenerates.
This year I turned 28 nd i feel like instead of getting a cold, or a UTI or sth i just get body ache lol. this april i couldnt play guitar on a tour with an injured arm/hand who was stiff and hurting from overexhaustion.
one and a half week ago, in the space of what I've always felt the most strong, confident, comfortable, safe, undestructable i got hurt again
I know I'm okay because I breath, I can walk, I can talk, think, compose, blah but on a more PSYCHOLOGICAL note this weighed heavy on me,
so I fell backwards as I struggle with balance anyways and crashed right into the drums and when I tried to get up I saw charley and laura next to me saying "andreya it's ok to go off stage if it hurts"
reason behind it is also because this is what i never do - for example at haldern pop festival i crashed my head into lauras guitar and broke down and listened to myself like if i felt sick or sth and decided to keep on going but when i went off stage i went to the car and was traumatized w a mild concussion in a shock and felt like i've abused myself.
so when that happened now iwas laughing and said honestly "i dont know if im ok because im on adrenaline" and whe n i got up i felt ok that was it and went to the back and there i was lying in pain with my hands buried in my face for the next 30 minutes, squeezing one or two tears out of anger (and worry) about myself.
So now im not in new york or not in LA and not travelling and not jumping from space to space talking about what I see and letting things happen to me , now i am just with me, hurting while moving, taking things SLOW
TAKING
THINGS
SLOW
!!!!
in the first couple of days it drove me insane like if anyone of you knows my room, its interior design is based on me not wanting to spend time in my room - its just simple and nothing cozy.
Yesterday, day 9 of me being injured, was the first time I felt like getting cozy and I took time to cook a meal and I did a face mask.
It's so funny to me as when I was away this year for 3 months or so and came back, the thing i wanted to do the least was to be in my room and in berlin. So i kept on travelling. every free days i had i thought about where else i could go. now it feels like my room and berlin is a partner that i had distanced myself from and kind of need to approach again and reconcile with.
Like wtf is going on this year honestly.
Two of the most positive experiences (next to my fav USA tour) were the writing retreats that laura and i did. the stay at the ranch was the most free creatively and inspired i had felt in a long long time, and when we were in italy, looking back it was surreal too
on the last day or so we just recorded bits and bits after another and laura went on the piano and the night before daniel johnston had died which had made me so unexplainably sad
and we played a song where i choked up in the first verse
a painter who was staying there as well, kathryn, and i layed each other the cards and one of thing in the reading said that i should stop being so passive about my life
which i was so confused by because i felt rather active but maybe its true not to throw myself into intense stimulative experiences so things can just happen to me and i actually dont have think about myself -- as my mom has analysed from my insta feed that i like to live "too much in the moment"
but maybe just think about what i actually wanna focus on instead of letting myself live in 1000 different places at ones.
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