you will tell your kids about the bars you got black out drunk in with „family friends“

today it was warm then it started raining and i went for ice cream with J. I was waiting for ice cream when I noticed a mom explaining to her son that she really likes this one „kneipe“ (bar) where she always goes „with our friend Thomas“. The kid wasn’t quite listening while she tried to explain how important this place is for her and her friends. This kind of really got to me.

Here is this mother telling her son about what my life is about basically 100% - getting drunk with thomas at the kneipe. Her son doesn’t care, also her son is now her life 100%.

I’m currently on a sober journey that includes daily meditation and it is absurdly „matrix-i-am-16-and-whoa“-to me — to visit yourself for a couple of minutes a day, and dismantling thoughts and thought spirals and negative thoughts what they are - just thoughts and perception.

Just like the pandemic changed perception of the world, and me having a son tomorrow, which i wont, would change my perception again, in meditation you are sitting on a tiny bench in the back of your head just watching yourself and there is no other perception that is influenced by the outside.

It would drive me mad for years, but also make me feel very interested in the world and in memory and how emotions and memory are connected, to see a certain thing that would remind you of how you felt back then. And it would drive me mad because I would feel, how can I feel like this back then when I feel like this now? And if i didn’t like how i felt back then, I thought about maybe I will hate how I feel now later too.

I listened to an episode on „consciousness“ the other day of the podcast „philosophy bites“ which gave a short introduction to different concepts of consciousness, and the host said there is also philosophers who argue your consciousness changes every second. In 5 minutes you are not the same person as you were before and they do not believe in a core persona.

Well I do believe in that but I just wanted to put it out there. What am I getting at here. Before I started thinking about meditations I was really jogging from one andreya to another, and that was so fast like, „i am wearing only this pair of jeans andreya“ to „i wash my hair every second day andreya“ or „i am wearing make up every day andreya“ to „i don’t wear make up every day andreya“. it’s fucking absurd. life is fast what i wanna say if you become a mom or a pandemic is happening or something is really changing or nothing is changing at all it is so nice to know inside you can go on a little bench and chill. so i can only highly recommend. urgh

i got cheesecake ice cream